the most power full name in news, good night. is "the fox r" i am in for shep. [captioning made possible by fox news channel] captioned by the national captioning institute --www.ncicap.org-- "the o'reilly factor" is on tonight -- it is time for dennis miller. he has some thoughts on vice- president biden, a tribute to helen thomas, and hot dogs. >> i know they are crap. who is the wiener here? bill: find out how miller really feels about speaker pelosi. >> there is a new grade high the way for him. it is inside pelosi's head. this guy uses a prompter when he is taking an eye test. bill: he takes on president obama and his entire

administration. caution. you are about to enter the no spin zone. "the factor" begins right now. i am bill o'reilly. thanks for watching us. we present a special miller time edition of "the factor." very scary. we will have the best moments from dennis and me, your humble correspondent. we begin with his thoughts on barney frank and a fiery town hall meeting. >> you want us to trust you with health care? >> i did not say that. >> let me finish my question. >> i never said i wanted you to trust me. bill: that was a feisty meeting. a couple of plants in there were giving him a hard time. >> barney frank makes maria antoinette look like a storefront lawyer doing pro bono

work. that look on his face said "the ingrates are running the asylum." he is not digging. people have to stop showing up on both sides of these things with hitler signs. we have to stop throwing this hitler thing around. it is that. here's my theory on barney. i think he has to feel intellectually superior to people because there are more primal cells. he finally becomes a u.s. congressman and he falls for it. he is mortified like that. when he group -- when he goes out like this, he likes to feel intellectually superior. he is pretty good at it. it is like nietzsche meets liberace. bill: he has an attitude. he is always right and if you

don't know it, you are an idiot. >> he loves it. >bill: he loves it. >> he could come dressed as the barney dinosaur out that to congress and nobody would care. >> on what planet do you spend most of your time? >> he will be voted in. he can throw his weight around. bill: bill clinton and north korea. >> this is a great story. good for him for going over there because it is a crazy land. you know kim jong-il is crazy when he is that rich and he still does the indoor of his palace in astroturf. clinton handled himself with class. he went over and he took the bumper sticker off the rear of the plane. this was all business and i admire him. bill: john bolton said, look, if you are going to do this and legitimize this dictator who

kidnapped these women, they will keep doing it, escalating it. what say you to that? >> nobody can touch us except -- accurately, the parents, the families, the girls. it is easy to say that, but you are missing the point. you get your kid home. the only person who feels bad in this whole thing is biden. they have him playing fredo, sending a mountain to the backyard because he can open a beer bottle with his teeth. clinton gets to be errol flynn. i do not see anybody having a beef with it. bill: clash fort -- cash for clunkers. it looks like the auto industry got a bump on this. what do you think? >> the foreign auto industry got a little bump. most of the cars were four models. i guess i am happy.

it seems low-rent to me. they're on the front yard of the sanfrods. -- sanfords. you put them into a $35,000 car, it is mortgage crisis redox coming six months down the low -- down the road. let him keep the $3,500 so we do not have to watch and saddle up and get this handout and judge him harshly. bill: i knew the cash for clunkers thing was in trouble when i saw john clamp that -- judd clampet ride up. >> it seems low-rent. it is selective. a lot of industries are in trouble. >> we should put all of these cars out in front of the white house and have wilson sitting

there. [humming] >> i just want to provide everyone with a few brief updates on some of the challenges we are dealing with right now. bill: don't you think it is not a press conference anymore? it is an excuse to get free air time from the networks. we will give president obama free air time anytime he wants because that is what we do. they preempted -- i think there was a special on nbc where alec baldwin meets sean penn and they give away money to poor people or something. >> alec baldwin and sean penn give away money to poor people or something. bill: they preempted that. he got free air time. the press is like little props. >> it is clear that we are at a time in history when a check running for miss usa gets harder questions than the president. i do not know what that guy from "the time" was thinking about the enchanted question.

>> what has surprised you the most about this office, enchanted you the most? >> let me write this down. >> it was like a was watching a brownie scout meet the jonas brothers. he is back to "the times" building now. they are putting their bread into the fondue pot. bill: i do not know -- >> what is with the need for closure on war against insane people? it is war. it is not strategy. >> a battle of wits and skill and strategy. >> he is probably down in the west village in his studio padding around in his jammies checking expiration dates on the yogurt in his fridge. write rule books for parker brothers. this is the real world. bill: i thought helen thomas looked beautiful. >> the light bulbs behind barack obama were not green. they gave bush a little credit.

he might call bush and asking to come over. it looks like barack is letting it go a little bit. bill: it is halloween and miller is in the building. >> why i am here is important business. i came in to do some lobbying to try to get the macy's people to put the bill o'reilly below and i have designed into this year's parade, and you protect the underdog balloon. >> there is no need to fear. underdog is here. bill: the macy's thanksgiving parade, "the factor" balloon. i am there. >> protecting the underdog. bill: i like the miller balloon. you have an obsession with paula abdul. she is leaving "american idol." >> she will end up on an -- on another number 1-ranked show.

here is the downside. we had to traitor to north korea for the two girls because kim jong il's fancying himself a broadway singer. they think she is the only judge sympathetic enough to go over there and tell him he has a future. >> you are one of a kind. >> that is why we got the girls. we treated her to p'yongyang. bill: you never know what drives anybody. >> it is a career move. >> ♪ hello larry ♪ >> there was another show called "valerie." that is what it was called. she asked for too much money and sandy duncan is planning balladry. you have to tuck away your ego and thank god that you have the job. it gets cold up there. if i quibble with you too much,

next week, it is penelope ann miller time. >> i feel ridiculous. bill: if she available? coming up, miller sounds off on kim jong-il and press secretary robert gibbs. >> i am watching his daily press conferences and he has an eye patch and a parrot on his shoulder. some molly want a cracker -- somali want a cracker? somali want a cracker?

bill: dennis and i dissect "american idol." do you care about that at&t slipped up a little bit and more people voted for one guy than another? do you care? i don't care. >> do i care? there are bigger things in the world. p'yongyang yesterday, we have this chia-head guy.

i am not saying this is the biggest ticket in my life. maybe we should turn it over to the house of representatives and give it to ratatouille wasman -- waxman. bill: we can give kim jong-il reality show. i think that would work. >> that is brilliant. we can get them when they are marching. they have that weird rock at -- rockette march. we have perfected a growing laser from space. get it flapping around like a window shade. we are really on the menu know their dogs will join in because they have been on the menu for so long. >> the three things i receive -- the briefing and received, we were not told -- we were told

waterboarding was not being used. bill: i am getting the by the barack obama does not like her. leon panetta, he would not have issued that release to the cia without telling obama. >> ♪ witchy woman ♪ pelosi is a train wreck. there is blood in the water. this would be a beautiful demise. if you thought those eyes twitched in the past, watching over the next few weeks. she will look like a hummingbird during time travel. bill: if she makes one more mistake like that, there will drag her out of there. >> she will not make a mistake. she is the gaffe a second. this guy is ready to stroll into history for all time, president obama, and he has this shrieking magpie next to him. all she does is besmirch him.

bill: pirates. you were arguing somebody about the pirates. >> ♪ yo ho ho it is the end of life for me ♪ barack obama showed a humanistic side when he shot them simultaneously. if you shoot them in descending order, the last pirates are standing there, wasn't i good enough to be shot first? i like the fact that they blew them away simultaneously. barack were showing a human side. we are throwing the word "pirate" around now. they are saying "terrorist." robert gibbs has a parrot on his shoulder with an eye patch screaming, somali want a cracker. something has to give and i am glad it was there scones. bill: you live in a beautiful state. you are paying the highest sales tax in the country.

everytime you turn around, another tax is levied on you. the state might go bankrupt because of the entitlements, the pensions, the disabilities, and on and on. is that unfair to you, dennis miller? >> it is on terror up to the point that i stay here. i have a contingency plan. there is a part i will not go beyond and it is not about greed. it is about some crazy thing in my head that i would like to keep a dollar for every dollar giveaway to strangers. if it gets beyond that, i will split the state. i have heard trump will quit new york. you know, i think it is getting to that point. i love to help the helpless. we are helping to many of the clueless nowadays. bill: that is a good line. >> you do not get credit for it. we have john -- janet napolitano talking about the right-wing conspiracy. if you are going to hover over

me like this, at least ditch the frank lutz hair cut. i need something a little more together. bill: ok. i am trying to picture frank and napolitano and it is not working. >> i love it when you lose control. bill: president obama did not bow before the king of saudi arabia. he was reaching down to shake his hand. what say you? >> as far as the jester goes, i do not know what you want to call it, but you might want to go back to the previous administration with bill clinton. i am pretty sure he had an accurate phrase for that gesture. i look -- i like gates and the way we are handling iraq. i like him going to the mat in afghanistan. we have to quit apologizing to every d-lister in a leopard skin fez. america is a great country and we need not constantly tied

ourselves. they are the ones who whipped themselves in the back, not us. bill: the white house says it was not a bow you are saying what? >> i do not want to get into what it is. >> it depends on what the meaning of the word "is" is. >> he was dressed like sergeant hillary clinton and then down to his hips. whatever you want to call that -- sergeant bilko and then down to his hips. whatever you want to call that -- why doesn't he bowed to the queen, for god's sakes? >> hello. bill: oprah and his wife are with barack obama tomorrow. what do you think? >> listen, i do not have any trouble. i think harry truman pulled the pan on the grenade in hiroshima on his way back from potsdam. he can do the same on air force one or zero proposal plane.

o proposal was probably nicer. -- oprah's was probably nicer than air force one. get ready to be deemed racist. bill: you agree with me. get the olympics for chicago. it is a good thing for america. it is popular overseas. he can do whatever he wants. there's no harm. >> it would be great in chicago when you think about it. blago could be the mascot. he's like a cartoon. want a job in the senate? bill ayers could bring in the incendiary devices and light the olympic torch. we can have reverend wright do the invocation. this thing is pre made. >> not to god bless america, god d * * america. >> i don't believe it. >> that would make sports center.

bill: you can throw out the first pitch. if you practice a little bit. >> yes. you will never let me -- bill: you will never live that down. plenty more ahead as we move along this evening. miller gives us his thoughts on my interview with barney frank. "the factor" and miller time will be right back.

bill: what does miller think about my interviews with barney frank? here it goes. i have a bunch of simple questions. as you know, i am a very simple man. >> i hate to say this -- bill: i do not think barney

frank likes me. >> yes. bill: barney started off truculent. >> "truculent" is an adjective. bill: love that. you know, it was almost like we were, not pals, but there was some stability to it. >> billy, if i am going to row the boat across the river with people shooting each other, i do not want to see them flinging cream pies. that got a little too lovey doubly. did i hear you might go camping together? if you do, i want you to invite cheney and i. i will be laughing so hard, cheney will have to shoot me in the head to put me down. bill: there was some sarcasm there. as the sultan of sarcasm, you recognize the fact that i gave a

little jab. to pay for the enormity of the health care plan, one of the things that was floated was a botox tax were people getting unnecessary plastic surgery would have to pay a surcharge to fund necessary medical things. frown for me. you say, what? >> i do not want biden and pelosi making calls on plastic surgery. you look at her, and she was pulled tighter, she would be something else. he looks like his head was attacked by a squid in a jules verne novel. i have hair plugs here. it these are state of the art. you could not tell. look at biden. who do you want making the call on your plug is? biden would not pass for a ken doll. bill: you are intimating that

both mrs. pelosi and the vice president have had cosmetic surgery. >> no, she is a perpetual wind tunnel. bill: on your program, you have had callers on the fox news- white house brouhaha. what is the consensus? >> i do not know about them. there is a sign of bought -- sign on's desk that says "the buck starts here." he trundles out axelrod and rahm emanuel like tweedle dee and twiddle -- tweedle rahm. they're like the jocks that hang the rest of us up in the locker with the nuclear wedgie. what is next? a position paper run who is hotter, betsy or veronica? they are acting like little kids. you have the decade right, you

have the wrong president. i look at axelrod and i look at rahm emanuel and rahm emanuel might as well be wearing a brush cut and axelrod should get this--- the stash. he hears too much. he has rabbit ears. >> hey, abtta batt -- batta batta. bill: barack obama reacts personally to criticism. >> it is more than that. you have to step up to the dugout. you have to say, each of your pitchers is the greatest pitcher i have ever seen in my life. bill: let's talk about leon panetta and cheney.

cheney smells blood in the water. it is almost as if he is wishing that his country would be attacked again. >> i quote david lee roth on the bridge of the song "panama." we are all running a little hot right now. i think we should take a week off and ignore each other. let's face facts in a 24/7 news cycle. all of us who are in that cycle are going to say something. i don't think that leon panetta things cheney wants the country blown up. if you analyze this, everyone will look like they are infering something. bill: today for lunch, i had two hebrew national hot dogs, ok? they were delicious. they were the best. but, i go home and then the cancer project is telling me they are going to file a lawsuit on behalf of some jersey people

saying that hot dogs cause cancer and they have to be labeled like cigarettes. hot dogs. at the ball game, and get your frank here. could cause cancer here. i don't know if the hand sanitizers enough. you know what i am saying? >> you need more than purel. you need to buy those hot dogs with isotope arms. i know they are crap. that is what i did about them. i do not need a warning label. people do smoke cigarettes, i did not see you warning label. if you do not know cancer is bad for you, you are lying through a hole in your trachea. i do not want to stay alive forever to deal with these nimrod's. who is the wiener here? >> ♪ i want to be an oscar meyer wiener ♪

bill: coming up, miller and i chat about this year's academy awards. wait for it. tattoos. >> you and i remember that night where we got drunk and i got that tramps stamp.

>> bill will come back to this miller time edition of "the factor." we talked about barack obama's report card. barack obama has been in office for 50 years. you have been talking about his report card. please share it with us. >> i am loath to give him a great because that unfairly categorizes him and i know he is working hard and has good intentions. it works, we will give him an a and it doesn't work, we will give bush an f. why should i give the man of great? bill: today, he signed the earmarked bill. he did it in private because he knows -- you have to take it a little bit

away from that, right? >> my man loves to spend. i am glad we did not have the right and are hitting us. i love the fact that we are getting preached personal discipline by someone who cannot quit smoking. he should start lighting up at press conferences and when they say, how many zeros in 780 billion, just -- [laughter] bill: i was impressed, and i bet you were. he tries to stay in shape. nancy pelosi, a are aerobic power. up and down come in and out. >> ♪ get physical, physical ♪ >> that toy for christmas is called the hack lined a box. when she was sitting down, i thought she was some ambulance. i thought somebody poked a dart

into her haunch. i would have thought she was foreclosed on. when there's money involved, she is up like a seal at sea world. bill: i like that image. there was criticism today about barack obama and various programs. on the web and all of that. i did not see anything over the line. did you? >> he has to get some rhinoceros can. it is brutal. if he is going to go on prompter, people will like him up. he is making bush look like robin williams when he was on "mork." he uses a prompter when he is taking an eye chart test. eventually, he will have somewhat discouraging. one reporter tapped the chiseler. your guy over there -- bill: major garrett. >> he does a nice job. some of the guys come out in the

crowd and the guy is sitting there like, you know, beauty school dropout in "grease." >> ♪ beauty school dropouts no graduation day for you ♪ bill: i was at a later game last night. i went over and i said, are you going to the oscars? i am looking forward to seeing you with the dark glasses. not going. >> there is a lot going on this year. you have to go with spongebob squarepan. with a departure, someone will make too serious of the speech. someone from overseas will be too gracious. someone does not know -- someone from overseas cannot believe he is in the american movie business. bill: we are in l.a.

nobody cares. >> america is not what it used to be. bill: instead of seeing "milk," they are seeing "friday the 13th," the 12th edition. >> of the want to get money on "milk," they should get the footage of salma hayek breast feeding that kid. bill: "sports illustrated swimsuit edition," they washed out dana kilpatrick's tattoo. are they not sporty anymore? >> listen. you remember that night we got blasted and i got that tramp stamp. tattoos -- bill: they are big in our country right now when they wash it out. you have the hip by. >> if we are cloaking this in the first amendment g string, let me say this, what has

happened to my country when they take a step like this and they do not consult the owner? what has happened to my america? bill: controversial wanda sykes comments at the correspondents' dinner speech. remember those? remember those? tell carl he's coming to new york with me. i thought you said carl was our best presentation guy. [ worker ] he is. just last week he told my team about fedex office print online for our presentations. we upload it to fedex office, then they print, bind, and ship it. the presentation looks good, right? yes, but -- wait, you didn't actually bring carl with you.

good morning! but i digress. [ male announcer ] we understand. you need presentations done right. fedex office print online.

bill: thank you for staying with us. we continue with dennis miller and his analysis of wanda sykes. >> rush limbaugh, i hope the country fails. i hope his kidneys fail. how about that? bill: the first 15 minutes were fine, but then she got me. here is my question. the remarks about rush limbaugh, sarah palin were mean. they flashed to obama laughing. i do not think that does him any good.

>> i do not think she was a pro that night. a comedian is judged, and i know it was not pro. you get hired and she bill -- she did not fill what they needed. i thought she was kind of funny for a girl. that is a joke, wanda. all she is doing is explaining that. the way i look at her, i thought she would bring in reverend wright. >> i am not a spiritual mentor. bill:"borat" falls on eminem's head. roll it. >> it is losing. eminem, nice to meet you. >> are you serious? are you [beep] serious? bill: can you explain this to me? >> some people like their

eminems plain and sum like them with nuts. [laughter] bill: i don't know what that means. why am i laughing? i swear to god, i do not know what that meant. somebody, tell me what that means. >> the whole interrogation torture situation -- barack obama might allow an unnecessary show trial driven by the left. >> i do not think he will go along with that. i have been even had with the president so far, giving him praise when he deserved it, been quizzical when i did not understand something. he starts doing that, he loses me. i am off the reservation. if he will start caving to lightweights like patrick leahy, sit on your back porch on a nice night and a daffodil head flies

by you, patrick lee makes that look like titanium, he is such a lightweight. bill: i think the folks -- i will say this about the president. he has made a mistake letting it go on this long. >> listen. it is worth it to him. bill: what is the beef against by in? >> you know when he is lying? when he acts like he certainly knows about something. when he says, look, bottom-line, you know he has no idea what he is talking about. he has vaccinated himself through all these minor gaffes to the point he can reveal where he is hiding the terrorists and people will say, that is joe. they have a new high the way for

him, an empty space with the walls, inside pelosi's head. he hurts himself wrote -- so frequently, they will put a plastic lampshade that your dog gets after he is neutered so we cannot get at himself. he is a gaffe a second. bill: i would love to interview him. do you think he would do an interview with me? >> i do not know -- put it this way. i do not know if he is the vice president. i think he believes his own craft and we all tend to believe it. i think this is a story he is telling a stranger. he is the second most powerful man in the country and he believes it so much, it has encroached on my life. i do not believe he is in the senate. i do not believe there is a guy named joe biden. i think he hallucinates himself. >> time to press the reset button. bill: a zoo in germany has

imported four female penguins from sweden who are allegedly gay. the zoo wants to see if they can persuade them to go straight. >> hard to believe the germans are not flexible about this. over the years -- i do not know much about penguins. if a couple of gay 'guins want to swap a little beak in germany, that is ok. bill: how do you know the penguins are gay? do they wear tight t-shirt? how do you know? what is the barometer? >> there sex is very formal, the gaping when -- their sex is very formal, the gay penguin. they wear black and white.

when they do have an egg, it is already pre colored. bill: if the penguin is gay, leave it alone. god made the penguin that way. >> ♪ that is doing the penguin ♪ bill: more of "miller time" is#

>> here is dennis -- bill: here is dennis miller's take on the airplane controversy and pelosi. >> if they have a plan that can be cross country, i will take that plan. bill: air pelosi. that is interesting. >> the last -- the worst thing

about lending pelosi in aircraft is it always comes back with an eye job on the cockpit where the shields are pulled up in and a disturbing arc. somebody thinks this empty headed manikin has to be guarded from people. it shows you how absolutely mad the world has gotten. the woman volunteers to go to summit because she thinks the gulf stream is rolling out the new model. bill: you are invited to disney -- to dinner with chavez and obama but you could not make it. what was your assessment from afar? >> all for this campaign, i heard from barack obama that words matter and pictures are worth a thousand words. i understand, keep your enemies closer, but you do not have to spoon this guy. imagine how it breaks the spirit of a freedom fighter to look up

and see barack obama with this pig. it is unbelievable to me. barack, he appears that he does have -- he likes to bully people who bully bullies. i do not know why he would want to be in a photo op with this guy from the sopranos. bill: what if you were the president, got helps us, and he walks over with his dopey book? what would you have done? hit him with the book? what would you have done? >> listen, i would have said committee tries to get anywhere near me with a book, i want him tackled. i want to duck and cover like the old bomb shelter thing. bill: what say you? >> they subpoenaed -- they're thinking of subpoenaing alberto gonzales.

they're also going after the riccio del toro -- benicio del toro. the fact is, none of these guys will go down. if that was any more of a kangaroo push, the judge would have a pout. bill: i take this personally. spain is supposed to be a nato ally of ours, and the prime minister, socialist -- there is nothing to be gained from this. they want to make america look bad. the worst thing about it is it takes the focus of the true evil, al qaeda and the terrorists. that gets me really angry. >> after the madrid train station bombing, these guys folded like a ball so would beach chair in a cat 5 -- balsa wood beach chair in a cat 5. bill: coming up, miller chats

about the clintons in a musical tribute to helen thomas. .

bill: and finally, as we wrap up this miller addition, take a look. >> i am so grateful to him for a

lifetime of all kinds of experiences. bill: we are debating on the radio factor whether that was an intentional zing or was jus an ad lib that happened kind of naturally? >> good for her. i love that kind of stuff. i have said in the past on the show that it hillary wants to zing, she has the right to. she has been cheated on more than a blind woman with a bunch of gypsies. sort of pillow talk in front of the nation, i find it in during. i have grown fonder of hillary clinton -- i find it endearing. you do not always get what you want. whatever she has gotten in the last years, seeing the proletariat come to bact for he,

getting not quite the job she once but a great wonk job, i find her very gracious and funny, and i thought that was funny -- not quite the job that she wants. bill: what about bill? >> imperfections. bill: it depends on what the meaning of the word is. >> he would stick carville on him. as far as his loopy ability, no, he never bothered me either. he was like a raccoon at the recycling bin and he got cornered. bill: all right, let's give into this sports guy. was this a big story for you?

>> i gave up on baseball over the world series. i am in love with the game that is the 90 feet between bases. i love all of it. nothing makes me happier than being in a ballpark. it is all about the game and then the current construction of the game, which i find it disappointing. this is just reflective of the office iraq conflicted culture we are in korea i think this is smart for alex rodriguez -- this is just reflective of the off the rack conflicted culture we are in. i think eventually he will get into the hall because he did not completely lie about it like mark mcgwire or take the fifth like mark mcgwire. >> my lawyer has advised me that i cannot answer these questions without jeopardizing my friends,

my family, and myself. bill: do you think the fans to immortalize him? i do. >> if you have made that kind of money, there is not a whole lot. living hell takes on a whole different -- when you are in sub-saharan africa, that is a living hell. he will have some reporters in his face. bill: the werber is you are going to be on dancing with the stars shortly -- the rumor is that. is that true? >> i heard you are going to be on next year with barney frank. bill: i am not dancing with barney frank. if i am on that show, and margaret is going to be on with me. >> you are walking around doing a poor what -- doing a turn. bill: listen, i used to be a wicked disco guy.

but you are big on this "dancing with the stars." >> what are you, a virgin? what do you do, sitting around at night, watching "the factor"? bill: i have never watched "the factor." i read books. i have to read books so i can understand what you are talking about. >> i liked the show because -- where else are you going to get that these days? bill: i know what you mean because i read books. >> it is like a wicked witch of the east. bill: helen thomas, i was mean to her. what do you make of it? >> her rice bowl is the bust on the president. youmine is to help you get off f

the hook. so here goes. ♪ you are so beautiful can't you see? you are everything i hoped for you are everything i need helen, you are so beautiful to meeeee ♪ everybody is happy. bill: i am just happy you did not sing it "off to see the wizard." and that is it for "the o'reilly factor special edition of miller time." we hope you check billoreilly.com. there are some great gift ideas on there. i am bill o'reilly. we hope to see yoai